It's Saturday night again, and I can't sleep. I've only lived with myself my whole life, but I still can't learn that naps in the afternoon make me wide awake come bedtime. Oh well, I did some homework, so I wouldn't feel so guilty about wasting time on Facebook and blogging. But I don't really view blogging as a waste of time; it's cathartic, good for me, plus I enjoy it.
My Meltdown:
I think I had my first meltdown this month. I hit a low point the first couple weeks of the semester. The future and a job consumed my mind and thoughts. I was freaking out about my eighteen credits which is made up of eight education classes including one directed/independent study and an online class. I told work I could work around twenty hours a week. My meager assistance in my friend's wedding was stressing me out because it was on top of everything else. All of this worked together to make me have a meltdown. I was crabby; I was upset all the time; my fuse was extra short; I was unpleasant and at times nasty to my family; and I was trying to figure out how everything would work. To put it shortly, it was awful.
I finally talked to my mom before I headed to work one night. She agreed that I had a lot on my plate, but it didn't matter how much was on my plate. What mattered was my attitude toward the situation. My attitude was very selfish and trying to make things as easy as possible. I didn't want to be stretched; I didn't want to be inconvenienced; I didn't want to put in the long hours; I didn't want the constant tiredness; I wanted to be done with school and all the homework which education majors receive.
What I wanted, honestly, didn't matter because it wasn't what I needed. I need to be stretched; I need to be inconvenienced because I am highly jealous of my me time; I need to put in the long hours financially; the constant tiredness shows me my strength comes only from God; I need to day by day make my way through this last semester of crazy school and homework.
I headed to work challenged and discouraged. Thankfully, the Lord allowed me to stock shelves that day, so He and I talked for a good while. I prayed for strength and patience. I confessed my dependence on self and my selfishness. I made a plan of how to view this semester and make it until December 14. I can't really change my circumstances, but I can change my attitude.
For work, I'm not going to change my schedule. I prayed over those hours and times during the summer, and I made that commitment to work--I need to keep my commitment. I must be more diligent with my open hours, more diligent and disciplined with them. I do need my down times to recharge, and I must find a balance between school and being with family and friends. I cannot be so jealous of my me time because I have such a short time with my family and friends, and I want to continue to build relationships with them.
I haven't been as stressed since that Tuesday talk with God. He has helped me greatly in the last three weeks as I continue on my journey of this last semester of classes. I don't want to get that low again because it was not pretty. I daily remind myself that this is all from my good, perfect, and sovereign God; He knows what is best for me.
Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths."
