Mrs. O and LES

I'm sitting here super tired because I was so excited last night that I couldn't fall asleep in a timely manner. I was so excited because today I was going to my Third Quarter placement to meet my cooperating teacher (Mrs. O) and get a tour of the school (LES).

I was only there for two hours, but they were such wonderful hours. I met almost all the faculty and staff in the school, and I don't remember any of their names right now. I'm usually not that directionally challenged, but because of the school layout, I kept getting confused as we walked through the building. It's a small school, and it seemed like a very close knit environment. I was very comfortable with Mrs. O, and I think (and am hoping and praying) we will get along well. I'm going to be working with her for the next nine weeks. I'm not sure the impression I gave off, but I tried to be very friendly and interested in everything that was said. 

I know I haven't started teaching yet or even observing, but I am so genuinely excited and I can't wait for the kids, the observations, the planning, the teaching, the mistakes, the successes, and the relationships. Teaching, at this moment, seems like this ambiguous and intangible job that I can't learn, and I'm afraid to start because I know feel like I know and understand it, but I'm never going to learn how to put all my teaching knowledge in action unless I put it into action. I think this is one of those professions  that you have to take that initial step of faith. I'm flying on an excitement high today because I get to take this baby step toward having my own classroom one day.

So, I'm sitting here not taking a nap when I should because I'm so excited about what Monday and what these next nine weeks will bring. Plus Doctor Who is enticing me to watch another episode. And who can say no to Doctor Who? 

Facebook

If I wasn't so addicted to stalking other people and knowing all the juicy details which they choose to share over the internet, I would be done with Facebook. I'm so tired of scrolling through my feed and seeing political posts and emotional political videos one after another on the election, our President, abortion, gun control, gay rights, NPR, food stamps, and that's just the tip of the surface. However, if these political posts continue, my frustration will trump my curiosity.

Identity Crisis and Senioritis

In the past couple of weeks, I've been having an identity crisis. I had a melt-down where I wondered who I was, what I was good at, and what I should be doing with my life. I didn't know if I was just imitating my sisters, or if I was being who I actually am. I kept wondering if I was honest with myself about myself.

This all started because I have been slowly coming to the realization there are two me's. I'm not talking about two people in the sense of the one at home and the one I show the world, but I'm talking about the person I think I am in my mind and the way I actually am. You know when you first hear yourself on a recording, and you start because you can't believe that is what you sound like. Then everybody tells you that is what you actually sound like, and you struggle to wrap your mind around your voice. (I think mine sounds awfully babyish and whiny.) But that is what I've been trying to comprehend about my two persons--the one I think I am in my mind and the way I actually am.

For example: I have thought for years that I'm an adventurous person, that I can travel anywhere in the world without friends or family and be completely fine. In this post, I discussed my worries about living overseas (which is what I equate being adventurous with). During my identity crisis, I've come to the realization, however, that I'm a homebody. I like being at home, in the place I'm comfortable in. I want to set down my roots somewhere and make a house a home whether it's just for me or a house full of people. I don't think I could jet-set because I need the home environment to be at my best.

To come to the above realization that I'm not made to be a jet-setter, but that I'm more of a homebody, I had to be honest with myself about myself. To be honest with myself about myself, I had to first realize that I'm a perfectionist. To realize I'm a perfectionist took a short Sunday discussion with Laura, a long Sunday afternoon/evening talk with Jessica and a Monday afternoon/evening talk with Abby. (Thank the Lord for friends!) My world and mind was shaken in those two days with the realization of my perfectionism. I, in complete honesty, had no clue I was a perfectionist. (Those who know me may just stare at me in shock in regards to my utter blindness of myself like Laura did when I related this realization to her.) My perfectionism and my constant striving for affirmation brought clarity to my actions and reactions. I can trace many thought patterns, discouragement, and disappointment to my streak of perfectionism.

My perfectionism and lack of adventurism are just two, of many, attitudes and ways I live that I'm starting to be honest with myself about myself. I am going through an identity crisis. Ultimately, I think it is what I need right as I enter the adult stage of life. I think, though, this identity crisis was brought on by my Senioritis which I have a bad case of. I know Urban Dictionary says it effects high school seniors, but I'm here to say that the majority of college students are effected by it too. I'm done with this part of my life; I'm ready for the adult stage of life.

My whole life I've been moving forward; I've never wanted to relive a certain time or age, I've always wanted to keep pressing forward to being a grown-up. I think that comes with being the seventh out of eight children--always seeing what the older kids got to do while you couldn't since you were too young. So, I'm done with college even though I still have five months left. I'm ready to be out and on my own. I didn't get that experience in college seeing as I saved money and lived at home. I'm ready for that step of independence. I may not be an adventurous person, but I sure have a mile long independent streak. I'm ready for all the adult decisions including the huge responsibility of paying my bills every month and making the money stretch until the end of the month. I'm ready for those teaching experiences. I say I'm ready, but I'm not out there. But I know I can't live the way I'm living for much longer. I have to go out there and make my way in the world. I have to make the mistakes and take on the responsibility and heartache which comes with adulthood. I'm ready for this next life challenge. This is why I'm down with a major case of Senioritis and am in an identity crisis.

Motivation

For the past three weeks, I've lacked serious motivation to do anything. It was so bad that I really didn't have the stamina or motivation to read until last week. The first week after school finished, I came home from work, ate something, and then collapsed on the couch to watch some tv. Around 9 or 9:30 PM I would drag myself to my room and drop exhausted into bed. I had been pushing myself so intensely that when I stopped, I think my body and mind almost shut down. I couldn't will myself to do anything except what was absolutely necessary--working, eating, and sleeping.  

The second week, I added in watching some shows and movies. And playing Pottermore on Christmas Day.  But I still wasn't motivated because I had to be at work at 6 AM four out of my five working days. More family was around, so instead of crashing on the couch after work, I cleaned the kitchen and washed lots of dishes. (It was my goal to keep the kitchen as clean as possible during those crazy busy days when our house was packed with people. I think that when the kitchen is messy the rest of the house seems dirty which is why I wanted to keep the kitchen clean.) It wasn't until half way through the week that I started reading again, and I finally managed to read a whole book one night.

The third week, I started to read even more, and I became less of a hermit. I started thinking about all the things I needed to do, and how my six weeks off were flying by. I started lists in my mind and gathering information and mapping out what to do when. My first job was to get all of my contraband into one storage container instead of scattered all around my room. I also needed to do some major laundry and make preparations for the weekend. I was starting to feel bad about being the laziest person on earth, especially since Philip was busy preparing for his next semester. That is how bad it was--I didn't feel bad about my laziness until the third week. I finished the third week with an incredibly relaxing and enjoyable weekend at Joanna's where I was pretty lazy.

Today started the fourth week, and I woke up this morning motivated to work and organize. I purged my money papers, shredded what I didn't need, purged my clothes, hung up my new clothes, mailed a package, emailed people, did my laundry--all before noon. The lists of what I need to do are running through my head nonstop. On this weeks docket--volunteer at the library, work twenty-seven hours, read, purge my school papers, stamp my books, put all my new books on the bookshelf, make a trip to Bethesda to drop off clothes and books I don't need anymore, prepare for Little Lambs, clean out and organize my drawers, continue to memorize Ephesians, add to my resolutions list, workout, journal, blog, make a notebook for all of my loose leaf papers which are filled with my random thoughts and musings, write an introduction letter for student teaching, start planning my oceans science unit, and of course sleep some more. I think I'll have a very productive week.

Theme Song

The Summer of the Four, aka summer 2009, aka the first summer we had all been together in about four or five years. Our ages ranged from fifteen to twenty-one. RuthAnn was ready to head into her last semester of college, Joanna was going to sit out for a semester to travel for the school, Philip was heading into his junior year of high school, and I was entering my first year in college.

We had many plans for the summer--weeks by ourselves, road trips to Ceder Point, driving around Wisconsin, a visit to Little Amerika, movies to see, music to listen to, eating at El Mariachi, and much, much more. Through our travels and time together a theme song emerged. You know how those things happen in life--all of a sudden it became The Theme Song without us realizing how it had happened. Every time we would get into a car and it was just us, the theme song would be played some part of the trip. The Theme Song was sent overseas at birthday and Christmas times. It was played at the reunion of not being together after a year-and-a-half. It means a lot to us.

We are almost done with another delightful weekend at Joanna's pad, and in about an hour we will be hearing The Theme Song sung by her high school show-choir. All I'm going to say is that it will be interesting. And another great The Four memory.