Independence and First Impressions

I've been doing some online dating, and one of the websites asks this questions: "The one thing I wish more people would notice about me."

A friend, first brought this question to me, and because of what I had been thinking about over the week before the discussion with my friend, I think I knew what I wanted people to notice, but saying it would make me vulnerable. Typing it for all to see on an online dating website would totally expose me. (Yet, here I am ready to share it on my blog.)

It's difficult to ask family and friends to tell us what they notice about me. Do I really want to know what their first impressions were? Do I want to dig into that information? I think it would make me uncomfortable and awkward on first meets then.

I suspect that I come across as pretty independent and self-sustaining in a first impression. I know for years I have worked to make myself independent and strong as I prepared for a life of singlehood. Asking for help is difficult. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide which wants to be able to do it all on my own.

But, I'm realizing that I don't always want to be the strong one. I'm independent and strong because I have to be. I'm up here practically in the middle of no where with the closest family two hours away. At the beginning, it was pretty much just me until I built relationships with church family and made friends.

It's hard to accept assistance, and I know there are times that I turn it down and other times when I don't ask for it when I should. And there's my weakness desiring to be in control of all. If I'm in control of all, then everything will go the way it should and there will be no problems.

But I've realized that I don't always want to be the strong one. It would be great to rely on someone else sometimes, to not be the one who has to figure it out. I wish that people would notice that I'm strong and independent because of my circumstances, situation, and personality, but I don't always want to be. Then I remind myself, that I already have Someone to rely on. God. I'm not alone, I don't have to do it all by myself. In fact, everything given to me I've been given grace to complete.

This week at school was tough, and there were minutes, hours, and days when I wasn't sure how I was going to survive. I've never prayed so much throughout a work day. I don't know how the week came to a close with my sanity still intact. There were moments where I wondered if I was doing the right thing. I would not have made it without God. I had to rely on Him every moment of the day.