Jake

I've met someone though we are far beyond the point of just meeting as we are now seriously discussing marriage. It seems like I've met the man I'm going to marry.

I have fallen in love, except I don't like saying I've fallen in love. My love has been a choice one step at a time. I'm feeling emotions to a depth I've never felt before in my life. My mind is full of a person in a way it has never been. I think about him all the time.  My most current thoughts are filled with moving closer to him and what it will be like to not be long-distance anymore and my heart jumps for joy.

People say I'm happier which bugs me in some senses. I don't like that my emotions can be so tied to one person, but he does bring me such joy. Many people have commented that I look happy. Does that mean I didn't look happy before?

People ask what I like about him. His smile is what first caught my attention; I love his smile so much. His work ethic and straightforwardness; his desire to follow the Bible. I love his friendliness and how we can talk or text for hours. I love his smell, I find it absolutely intoxicating. I love how every interaction with him has been comfortable. I love how he fits right into my family and we both get along with each other families. And his kisses are just fabulous.

Recently, he was talking about our retirement. How did my life change so drastically in a year? At this time last year, he was not even on my radar. Now, I sit here a year later talking about retirement, grandchildren, and marriage to this man.

I cannot wait to continue to go through life with this man.

2016

2016 what a year you have been. A year that most of the country just wants to be done and over with. There were moments in this year that I could not wait for it to be over, and other moments where I wanted them to stretch on forever. Moments I wanted to crawl up into a ball and be done with responsibility and moments which made me smile like I've never smiled before.

It's been an exhausting year. With traveling so much on the weekends, grad classes, and extra responsibilities at work and church, I have felt very run down. Many, many good things have happened this year and many, many hard things. We need both in life, though. Through it all, God has been good and gracious to me. More than I deserve.

In January, I started talking to someone online. By February, we met face-to-face, and started dating. In July, we said, "I love you." Now, we are looking toward our future as I look for jobs close to where he lives. 

In February, I had a student bring an unfounded accusation toward me. This meant the rest of the year in my classroom was unbelievably tough. I also dealt with some amazingly nasty parents. 

In June, Brexit passed. 

In July, I went to England for two and a half incredible weeks. I crossed off one of the top items on my bucket list as I spent a boatload of money. 

During the summer, I put about 4,000 miles on my car traveling, mainly to visit Jake, but also for grad classes and family visits. 

In November, Trump was elected president.

Now, the year is fast coming to a close as a brand new year is right around the corner. 

Like a Wave

On the eve of teacher in-service, I feel like this new school year has rushed upon me like a wave. 

It seems trite to say the summer has flown by, but it is the truth. The summer is a blur of over 4,000 miles driven, thousands of miles flown, incredible sights seen with some very special people, and fabulous weekends with My Man. Plus summer school, grad classes, and curriculum work. I blinked and the summer had vanished. 

With all the other plans which filled my calendar this summer, I have only been preparing for school the last two weeks. I'm indescribably excited for this new school year. I'm ready to meet my new students, ready to start the process of figuring them out, and ready to being this new journey. Yet, a worry has been creeping into my mind. I'm afraid that what happened last year will carry over into this year. I'm afraid that I won't let go of the past that I will allow that trauma* from last year to change me and not in the good way.  

How do I let go of this trauma? How do I not bring the memories into this current school year? How do I take what I learned from the situations and apply it appropriately and let go of the other stuff?

Sometimes I wish I could cry and let it all out, but I know that won't happen. Sometimes I think how nice it would be to not have gone through all of that, but I know I learned, and all the trials brought me closer to God. Just as surviving the trials is a process, so the healing is a process-- a process which still requires my utmost dependence and reliance on God. 

Through the trials, God brought me these lyrics to meditate on, and this is my prayer as I continue to heal.

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)

by Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you're my God!

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

*I say trauma because when I hear one of their names, I immediately tense up. I think back over the past school year, and I get this pit in my stomach, and I almost start bawling. To me, that seems like I am still working through the trauma from last year. 

Preparation

To say the last six months have been busy is an understatement. Between teaching, church, grad school, family, and a new relationship every waking moment was tied up (and many sleeping ones too). A Saturday to myself became a rare entity. I enjoyed every busy Saturday and weekend, but I missed my quiet Saturday mornings.

Yesterday was a fabulous Saturday. A Saturday the likes of which I had not enjoyed in many, many months. A Saturday which I needed more than I realized.

I slept in until almost nine then lazed around for the next hour, taking my time and moving slowly. I had vague plans in my mind of what I wanted to do and what needed to be accomplished By 10:30, I was at a coffee shop ordering a bagel to enjoy with my favorite cup of coffee ~ Highlanders Grogg.

I plugged in my music to block out the surrounding noises, and then I enjoyed quiet time with God, two hours flying by before I knew it. I started in Joshua continuing to read about the Israelite's going into the land God promised them. Next, I studied God's attribute of goodness. My ladies at church are studying an attribute of God every month.What a pleasure it was to dig into God's Word and to deepen my understanding and knowledge of His goodness! My soul needed the refreshment and the encouragement.

Psalm 34:14

"Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." 

Psalm 145:15-16 

"The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food in due season. You open your hand; You satisfy the desires of every living thing." 

One of my goals for the day was to take a nice long walk. A year ago I determined to start walking regularly and to change my eating habits. It's been a good year of getting healthy, and this summer, I have had to spend a fair amount of money on new clothes since all of mine from last year were now too big. The prospect of increasing my walking time over this summer was fantastic, but alas, grad school demands cut into that, so I was determined to carve out walking time yesterday. Over the next hour, I walked around town for four miles, loving every minute! I have missed my long walks.

I was more out of shape than I wanted to be leaving me utterly exhausted. A quick refuel, and then it was time to make sure I had everything packed for England -- I leave today! The roommate returned and we made plans for the evening while I was able to share thoughts which had been on my heart for the past couple of weeks. Mexican was the dinner choice with a movie to follow. Then bed.

Another reason I wanted to take a four mile walk was to exhaust myself that my brain would shut off Saturday night. Well, that didn't happen. After a restless four hours of sleep, I was wide awake at 2:15 and have been since then. I really wanted a good night's rest as our flight tonight is overnight, yet my brain would not let me sleep. The excitement level about my vacation continues to increase, and though I desperately was craving a good night's rest, I resigned myself that it wasn't going to happen.

My alarm will ring soon which will start the final preparations for my departure today. The next time I blog, I will have visited England!

An Open Letter: Cynthia

My goofy girl,

I have known you for almost six years now. Six years of being your big sister. Six years of growth and changes between you and I. The most amazing change is to see how you have turned to God and realized your need for Him as your personal Savior.

For the rest of my life, I will carry the memories from today. I loved how you ran into my arms after sprinting across the grass. I loved how you told your friends that you couldn't hang out with them because you were spending the afternoon with your long lost friend. I loved listening to Simon and Garfunkel with you in the car. I loved singing along with you in the car. I think I will always choke up when I remember how you came around the table to give me a hug and to say you loved me.

You were so excited to share with me about your great grades and your incredibly high reading level. I've never been so proud of you. As we drove, I thought how I can't wait to see you graduate from high school and college. Nothing could keep me away from those days in your life. As I hugged you good bye, I wondered how you will survive another summer just like I did five years ago.

Cynthia, you said it wouldn't have been the same with Big Brother and Big Sister if it hadn't been me. Six year ago, I never imagined how much you would have impacted my life. You have blessed my life more than you will ever know. You are part of me and my family. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I want to help you in whatever way I can.

I pray this summer will be better than the past ones. Don't lose sight of God, His love, and His plan for you. You are tough, but don't bottle it all up inside. Share with those who you need to share it with. Most importantly, give it all to God.

I love you, my darling Cynthia.

Your Big Sister,
Bethany

Affirmation

According to Merriam Webster affirm means to validate or confirm, to say that something is true in a confident way. Affirmation is the act of affirming.

Learning about myself has made me realize I crave affirmation. I desire to be validated in what I say and do. I want the verbal confirmation. But I only want it if I believe it is true which goes back to me needing to control everything and not trusting what others are saying. Why is that so difficult for me?

Nearing the end of school, I was receiving the opposite of affirmation from, what felt like, every student and parent, so to receive this affirmation meant more to me than I wanted to admit.* Since I'm learning to say thank you and accept what was given me, I respond with the sincerest gratitude ~ thank you for the award.

"Ms. Bethany Ledgerwood, a 5th grade teacher at Central Intermediate School, was recently recognized by the Wisconsin Association of Colleges for Teacher Education as a recipient of the Early Career Educator Award. Ms. Ledgerwood was recognized for her initiative, diligent work in curriculum alignment to the state standards, and leadership with Positive Behavior Interventions & Supports (PBIS). Also noted were her knowledge of technology and extra time working with students. Her peers recognized her dedication and hard work. At a staff gathering at Central Intermediate School, Mr. David Handyside, Director of the School of Education at Maranatha Baptist University, recognizes Ms. Ledgerwood in front of her peers. An awards reception was held this past March at the Crowne Plaza in Madison. Congratulations to Ms. Ledgerwood!"

*Even if I know that those who nominated me haven't spent a day in my classroom since student teaching, and it doesn't seem like you should nominate someone if you don't know all the ins and outs. Yet, I know I wouldn't have been given the award if my principal hadn't responded positively about my work.

Mom

If Pappy would still be alive, today, he would be 91 years old. In the years since losing Pappy and Grandma, I have more or less moved on. I know, though, their deaths have affected my dad and his siblings more. Maybe it is because she has been on my mind this past week leading up to Mother's Day, but for some reason, the thought popped into my head of what I would do if I lost Mom.

Mom is the first person I go to for advice. I know she will always tell me the truth and no matter the situation or circumstance of life, she will point me back to God. Through my life, she has always challenged me to think and view life from God's perspective.

As I reminisced yesterday, I came across this post from almost four years ago where Mom gently rebuked my selfishness and unwillingness to take the trial from God. I remember how crabby and nasty I was at the beginning of that semester. I was always close to tipping over and spilling out my anger and frustration at the smallest thing. Looking back, I realize now, how unsettled I was and how I completely refused to trust God with all He had brought into my life. During those quiet hours of stocking shelves, I did determine to heed Mom's wisdom. She was right, I was unwilling to be stretched and "me" filled my brain and my actions.

I remember another moment when I completely lashed out in anger at her, and she responded calmly, gently, and with great wisdom. In high school, I blamed her and Dad for where I was and why I did so poorly on a test. I was so short-sighted. My words and actions could have harmed our relationship permanently, but Mom didn't allow bitterness to reign in my heart or her own, and instead, I believe, forgave immediately. Even though, I was in the wrong.

To me, Mom exemplifies living like Christ every day. She sacrificed, lovingly and more than I will likely ever know, to be my Mom. She gave up comforts, desires, and needs for me. She poured her life into her children, not looking for fame and glory by the world's standards. Humbling toiling and living the incredibly hard life of a stay-at-home mom of eight children.

We would always tease her about her constant birthday wish. Whenever we would ask Mom what she wanted for her birthday, Mother's Day, or Christmas, she would always respond, "That my children would walk in the Lord" or something along the lines of children living for God and serving God. We would always respond, "But Mom, something that we can actually give you!" She would always say, "This is something you can give me." It is what she wanted more than anything else.

Mom, thank you for investing and pouring your life into mine. Thank you for praying for me. Thank you for never giving up on me, for always challenging me to think and view life from God's perspective. Thank you for always pointing me back to God in every situation and circumstance of life. Thank you for being my Mom and my friend. I love you, Mom.