Simultaneously

My heart is simultaneously exploding for joy and breaking in despair. Explaining it is . . . convoluted and complicated.

The concert on Monday was unbelievable and indescribable. What an amazing experience, and I do not regret for one moment the little sleep I received that night. Some of my joy is from that.

RuthAnn and I watched Anne of Green Gables and The Sequel over the past four to five days. Which means I've been thinking about the stories, and Gilbert. Then Laura asks me which non-celebrity men I've found attractive. Not quite sure what brought this about. I actually didn't know what to say because, short version, I notice an attractive man, but then I don't really think about it again, and I generally don't think of the men I know as attractive or unattractive. Which led to me thinking about some of my favorite male characters in books and what made me love them so much, because that's how my mind thinks. So my heart is in a little romantic mood. Which explains some of my heart joy.

I have completed six weeks with my second graders. I teach full-time until Thursday, and then I'm winding down. I love my students, all nineteen of them. Some days I walk away knowing I can't teach for the majority of my life; other days it's not too bad. I'm now aware of how easy it is to have favorites and how difficult it is to not show favoritism. Though this week seemed to crawl by, my first placement is flying me by.  It's going too quickly. Some of my heart joy and breaking stem from this.

Thursday, I'm flying to Texas for my oldest brother's wedding. I've never been to Texas. It's supposed to be in the 80's. My brother is marrying an amazing lady. The whole family will be together. A lot of my joy flows from this.

I met with my Little Sister today, for the first time in almost a month. She opened up and shared things she hadn't shared before. My heart broke--no nine year old ought to be so aware of the disgusting and nasty side of life and so intuitive about people who live on that side of life. I kept thinking that 1) I desperately want her to go to college, 2) I still want to be in her life when she graduates from college, 3) I desire to support her personally and financially, 4) I can't move away because she needs to stay in my life, 5) I can't move away because she needs me to stay in her life. My mind has spinning in circles for the past hour. As I drove home from dropping her off, I realized that being with her is the best thing I've ever done in my life. This is mainly what my heart is breaking over.  

I don't know how a nine-year-old can have changed my life in so many ways. I don't know how a week can crawl by while the time is flying by. I don't know if I will teach for the majority of my life. I don't know how I've managed to have my first, second, third, fourth, (I'll stop listing) loves all be men from books. I don't know why I've been so blessed with my family and friend relationships. I don't know how my heart can be breaking one second and then rejoicing the next. I don't know how to end this post as I'm simultaneously wiping away my tears and smiling my head off. So that's it. Here are my Saturday night ramblings about my contradictory heart.