Grandma ~ Clare

My grandma passed away this afternoon. Even though we knew that it was most likely that she would pass in the next couple of days, it doesn't make it easier.

I remember her canes--Theodore and Abigail. Theodore was a dark metal, maybe bronze, while Abigail had a silver overlay. They were quad canes, so we had much fun swinging them around, standing on them and rocking back and forth. I don't remember us ever sword fighting with them.

Grandma was probably one of the most stubborn women I've known, but she was such a hard-worker. She was independent her whole life, so when the accident occurred, losing independence was a struggle for her. She fought to walk again--her stubbornness and independence are what allowed her to walk again. My grandma was an amazing woman.

She was so proud of her daughters all graduating from college and making a career and family for themselves. She loved that her granddaughters were following the same educational path. When she and Pappy lived with us for nine months, we talked about school as I worked on my school. She loved learning. She loved to read, though she always went in for the trashy romance novels. The Western bodice rippers were her favorites.

She always had a tissue balled up in her sleeve regardless of season, short or long sleeves. Her skin was soft and wrinkly. When you hugged her and touched her hair, powder would puff out.

Oh those Uno games. We would tease her endlessly, and the phrases we learned from her. No more endless Uno games with Grandma--she would get so frustrated and upset with us, it was quite comical.

She's gone. That's hard to believe and wrap my mind around as I'm sitting here in my room in WI. When we head to PA, and we don't go to St. Anne's, and I see her body, I know it's going to hit me. That's when it hit me three years ago when Pappy passed.

I carry her name in my name. Strangely, now that she's left this earth, being named after her seems even more special. I'm a living reminder of my Grandma.

Her laugh. She never would drink her water, it was a sip for each meal. A sandwich and soup for lunch. And her awful cooking. Grandma hated to cook, and it was always pretty horrible. I didn't notice as a young child, but when I lived with them for a month, I noticed it more when I tried to eat her soup.

Grandma grew up during the Depression, so she never threw much out, she bought food to freeze it even if she already had a full freezer. She was careful with her money. Grandma and Pappy always seemed so rich as a young child, even though they weren't.

I keep remembering their old house where they lived for the majority of their married life. Arriving in the middle of the night, and Grandma and Pappy sleeping in their chairs while the TV was still on. The smell. The pathway of the house. The specific feel of the carpet on my feet. Sneaking around and watching TV at night when the parents went to sleep. Climbing on Pappy's lap; sitting next to Grandma and talking or playing Uno. Eating candy out of Grandma's candy jars and purposefully not eating all the licorice flavored pieces.,

Grandma called me a chatterbox and a bag lady. I totally take after her. She always called her purse her luggage because she had everything in her purse. I have the mindset of "what if" regarding my purse, so my purse is always a large bag where I have most everything you would need.

I knew Grandma at a very different period in her life. I am extremely privileged and honored that I was able to live and know her for the past twenty-one years of my life and that I am her granddaughter.

Grandma phrases: "I'm going to flush you down the camod." "Yeller." Instead of saying yellow. "Are you snoopervising? I'll just snoopervise." "Where's my luggage."

I know this incoherent and all over the place, but tonight I needed to journal, to write whatever came to mind. The memories won't stop flooding back, yet the eyes are drooping.

I love you Grandma, I miss you already. I can't wait until we can be reunited in Heaven one day soon.

Calin

I met my nephew today. If possible, I'm even more in love.

Calin is tiny as could be--tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny ears. His ears are positively adorable. Holding him is like nothing else. When he's awake, his eyes are alert and wide open looking all around. It didn't take long for him to spit-up on me, but that's part of babies.

I think most of all I love watching my brother and sister-in-law parent so wonderfully already. They give me hope when I see poor parenting.

 

North & South

So R and I are home by ourselves, and after watching another Austen update (which we of course enjoyed greatly even though it was pretty awful), we looked at each other and decided we could maybe use some North & South. It is a fabulous adaptation, and both Daniela Denby-Ashe and Richard Armitage do a wonderful job. Enduring love-story, good setting, great acting, and an interesting theme melody. But to be completely honest, we were ready to watch some more of Richard Armitage. So you can all share in our enjoyment, here are some pictures. Who knew that Google Images would provide such a plethora of lovely pictures of Richard Armitage? Enjoy!

Here are some of him that are not from North & South:

Raising Children

Ever have those days where a thought keeps percolating all day long? That's how it's been for me today. My thought today was on the thought of raising children and specifically raising girls with marriage in mind. I'm not in a dating relationship, and I'm currently not planning on being in a relationship, but I was a child who was raised, and I was a girl who was raised (partially) with marriage in mind. This line of thinking has been heavy on my mind for the past four years, and it nagged at me for the four year before that. 

As I've thought about this issue over the past eight years, I've studied the scriptures, and the more I've studied the more I believe the mindset of raising girls with marriage in mind is unbiblical. My statement will bring people up in arms, and it is against the status quo, but I believe there is a better and more biblical way to raise girls into women. 

"The highest calling for a woman is to be a wife and mother."
 
Some people will make that statement, and I literally cringe and shudder when I hear that statement come out of people's mouths. It is such an unbibilcal statement! The highest calling of a believer is to love and serve our Lord Jesus Christ and Savior with all of our heart, mind,  soul, and body. To say something else is the highest calling turns that something else into an idol which replaces God's "#1" status in our life.

Matthew 22:37, "And He said unto to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."  

When we surrender ourselves to God's leading, He leads us in the path to the place where He wants us to serve Him. Here's a thought which boggles my mind--in our body of believers, each member has a special calling and place where their specific talents, desires, and life experiences mesh perfectly so they can best serve the Lord in that specific area and location. We may serve in similar occupations (like being a wife and mother), yet each person serves the Lord in a unique way because of where she is in her season of life and how the Lord meshes her talents, desires, and life experiences for His honor and glory. 

On the parenting side, sadly, too many parents raise their children with specific occupations in mind such as the issue I've been pondering--raising women for only marriage. I believe parents should have a mindset that they are stewards of their children for a few short years and in those years, the parents are to first bring the gospel to their children and if the Lord saves them, the parents are to then prepare their children for a life of service to their Savior. Our life spent in service to our Savior is the best way to spend our life. 

Since the Lord can and does take and use His children in diverse areas so as to spread the gospel to the whole world, parents can't predict where their child will serve the Lord, yet the parents are responsible in assisting the child and preparing her for service to their Lord. My humble suggestion and thought to best prepare your child for the Lord's service is by building their character, by building a strong foundation. A person who is steadfast, respectful, responsible, faithful, genuine, hard-working, caring towards others, has a relationship-building mindset, God-fearing, and desires for her life to bring honor and glory to her Savior is able to be used of the Lord in that specific way He has planned for her life. 

Personally, I had to think and study this matter out because in some senses I was raised for marriage and in other senses I was raised to serve the Lord in any matter and position. Around eight years ago, I started thinking about college and life beyond college. At that point in my life, I didn't have any ambitions or dreams of what I wanted to study and end up being besides a wife and a mother. I couldn't imagine, even fathom what my life would be if I didn't get married. I distinctly remember sitting on the stairs and wondering what I would do if I didn't get married. My mind was completely blank. The moment I realized that my only goal in life was to get married and have a family, I knew something was wrong. That desire had become an all consuming focus and an idol in my life. I had completely left God out of my plans and how I could best serve Him. I knew I had to figure this out because my gut told me having marriage and a family as my only goal in life was unwise, unhealthy, and would only lead to discontentment. 

So began a life-changing journey.* During this journey, the Lord changed my heart and helped bring me to a more balanced mindset on marriage and singleness--I went from marriage being my only life goal to almost completely opposed to the idea of me being married and singleness being the most biblical to a more balanced view that both singleness and marriage are biblical, and they are both blessed and ordained by God. I realized that God's children are all in different seasons of life and at varying points of singleness and marriage, and God uses His children at all those different seasons of life in special and unique ways. I took my mind off of finding a man, and I started serving the Lord. 

Over these past eight years, I've become increasingly burdened for girls who are being raised with only marriage in mind and for those who have been raised with that mindset. I know the heart-rending struggles I went through. I know the pain and suffering. I know the discontentment and dissatisfaction it breeds within you when you don't have that relationship. I want to spare other girls and women from those struggles. I would like to be able to help girls and women to the point the Lord has brought me to. I'm not perfect, but the Lord has brought me to the point in my life where I've told Him wherever, whatever, and with whomever as long I'm serving Him, spreading the gospel, and bringing Him honor and glory. It's a freeing and amazing place to be, as long as I'm loving and serving my Lord.      

*This post is already long enough, and the journey will take a while to relate, so that will have to wait for another post. 

An Actress

In one of my classes last year, we discussed how teachers have to be actresses and actors. I agreed with the statement, but today confirmed the necessity of being an actress, and I truly believe in that statement now.

Today, I was an actress. I tried thinking of a specific actress, and maybe I was a little like Amy Adams in Enchanted, but I don't remember much about that movie.

I have one student, who I'll call CJ. CJ is stubborn beyond belief. The nature of her disability is usually linked to an increased stubbornness. CJ's stubbornness comes through when it is time to transition or just do work. Actually, you can see her stubbornness anytime of the day.

For example, CJ's time on the iPad was over, and she needed to choose another center. CJ did not want to leave the iPad. I told her her time was up, and it was time to switch. She latched her tiny fingers onto the iPad and refused to move. I sighed, and wondered how I was going to get her to move. M needed the iPad because it's part of her routine--she completes her iPad center and then heads to snack. Thinking on my feet and acting all perky and excited, I told CJ I needed her help to pick out some books which I could read to her. I couldn't do this on my own, and wouldn't it be soooo much fun to read with me in the sensory room? She thought for a little, and then decided she liked this idea and left the iPad. I sighed with relief (my day is filled with lots of sighing and deep breaths) and headed to help CJ pick out her books.

My day is filled with countless moments of me trying to get CJ to do her job. It requires so much acting and thinking on my feet of how I can phrase what she needs to do as a job of helping me. CJ LOVES to help, and it's even better if she can do it on her own, so I'm always trying to figure out a way to word my sentences in that manner.

Another example of my acting today occurred during math group. My students were dead and out of it for some reason. I put on this bright and happy face and attitude, and made that the most exciting lesson ever. We were working on this math game of earning pennies, exchanging them for dimes, and then dollars. I kept it moving so quickly which for some reason made the students more interested in the game. After the students left, I took this huge breath and let it out. I was exhausted from those 40 minutes of super high energy which my students needed during math.

Being an actress today made my day more interesting and made me more personally excited about those activities. I'm not sure how teachers manage to have that necessary kind of energy every day. I'm also not sure how people make acting a living but props to them. I learned that being an actress is very hard and tiring work, but nevertheless, I will be an actress again tomorrow and the day after that because that's what my students need which means it's part of my job.

A Graduate

The complete technical honesty in me cringes at that title since I'm not done with school, but I'm going to leave it.

Yesterday was a good day. A very good day. I don't have regrets about walking or having a party. I enjoyed it all. By the end of the day, my cheeks were tired of smiling. I literally could not stop smiling all day, and especially in the morning.

I woke up at the crack of dawn. No literally. When the early morning light started to shine, I was up, and I couldn't go back to sleep. But, I could then finish my post which I had been writing for days. Now, I had been planning on curling my hair. I don't curl my hair really at all because it takes super long, and I'm not interested in giving up sleep for having my hair curled. Another reason I don't usually curl my hair is that my hair is extremely thick and currently pretty long. If and when I curl it, the curl lasts for an hour or so before the weight of my hair takes out all the curl. Since I woke up at the crack of dawn, I now had the time, plus it was a special day. I hesitated though as it was raining and was supposed to rain the rest of the day. On a side note, the weather forecasters accurately predicted the weather for the--rainy and cloudy all day.

Why am I talking about curling my hair? I don't know. I don't why I write what I do most of the time. I did curl my hair, and I used a fair amount of hairspray.

After the grad group picture, we had about an hour before it was time to march in. I spent that hour chatting with friends and taking pictures. I was impressed that I remembered to take pictures throughout the whole day.

Graduation was two hours. The lovely president spoke; I listened to some of it, and prayed during other parts of his speaking for those listening in the crowd. I had such butterfly's in my stomach. Education is the last Bachelor's program to receive their diploma's, so I waited a lot and the nerves kept growing and my heart started beating faster and faster as it came closer to the Ed department's turn.

We stood, I walked, I received, I shook hands, and I returned. I then looked to my friends down the row and whispered, "WE DID IT!" It was a good moment.

Post-graduation was filled with hugs from family and friends and then some more pictures. I cried when I hugged Mom, Dad, P, and N. Though, they were the only ones who could make it to the actual graduation, it didn't matter. I've had nine amazing supporters throughout these crazy college years, and I knew they were supporting me from a far, and I know they will continue to support me for the rest of my life. Without my family, I honestly have no clue where I would be. Their impact on my life has been monumental to say the least. I love my family.

The graduation party was a lovely time. It was nice having it with my friends and being able to see other friends and professors. I loved that my day finished with us watching Much Ado About Nothing the amazing Kenneth Branagh and Emma Thompson one while eating pizza. It was truly a marvelous day.

I'm going to share a couple more songs which I would say have been ones that have assisted me throughout all four years of college.

Revolution by Beatles. I can't even begin to count the amount of times this song ran through my head as I listened to students, administrators, and guest speakers. 

     

Time is Running Out by Muse. The beginning. The bass. The drum-line. All of it, so amazing. If I had a record, this song would skip. I don't try to explain or understand their music video though.

I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers. Sometimes I really wished I was 500 miles away. 

That's Life by Frank Sinatra. Some days, I just had to shrug my shoulders and say that's life. There were many good hours of listening to Frank Sinatra. 

College Reflection

I'm graduating in about four hours! Yes, I am so, so, so ready for this moment, but a tiny, tiny part can't believe this part of my life is over, never to be returned to. College was a bloody hard four years; college was an amazing four years. How do I put my college experience into words? How can I possibly describe these past four years? I'm just going to write what comes to my mind and forget all organization. For that I apologize to my readers. As I reflect on my college years, this is what comes to mind:

• Lists that never end. I'd finish one, and I would immediately start another. I'm queen of lists 
• Constant scheduling. I would plan out every minute of every day between school, homework, projects, work, and sleep. I would always feel guilty if I wasn't doing schoolwork every waking moment since there was always so much to accomplish. It's been so nice to have that extreme guilt gone from body as I've settled into a more "real-life" schedule. 
• Little social life. On average, I worked fifteen to twenty hours a week while taking 18.5 credits a semester which left small chunks of time for a social life. By the end of the week, I would need a break from people and time with my family, plus I worked most every weekend.
• School came first and social life second. Those were my priorities during school. I did make myself take time for a social life 
• I always had something to read or work on as I walked from one class to the next, so I could utilize every moment of my time. I became quite adept at walking and studying.  
• My blissful minutes of writing during, ahem, chapel time. I wrote my life philosophy, my thoughts on the future, my thoughts on the current thoughts running around in my mind, my commentary on the speaker's subject, my thoughts about a guy I was interested in. Oh, I wrote so much in those forty minutes over my college career. I loved that time of my day because it was wonderful to dedicate that time to just writing and clearing my brain of all the thoughts swirling around. 
• Those conversations I had with friends sitting in those chairs metal chairs as we discussed our reactions to the speaker, the latest gossip, or what was heavy on our heart. We had such interesting discussions and reactions. There were people I would sit and talk with more often, but I had great conversations following that time. 
• The constant snacking some semesters as there was no time for a lunch break. I always was hungrier at the beginning of the semester than at the end. I wonder why?
• The fabulous lunches with friends where I usually put school away for those thirty to sixty minutes and held amazing discussions which traveled all over the place. 
• Rushing out of choir or my last class of the day, so I could head to work for the evening. I would think, "This is not how the rest of my life will be like. I hope." 
• Studying at Hallmark and filling Sandy K. in on the latest news. 
• Singing in choir. Singing songs which stretched me musically but those which touched my soul and became a personal declaration. I've learned during in college that I truly do love and adore music. I'm not sure what I would do if it wasn't in my life. 
• My sitting and studying spot changed from year to year. Freshman year it started in Old Main Cafe, and then moved to the second floor hallway couches. Sophomore year, I moved to the library and specifically downstairs in the study cubicles. Junior year, I moved upstairs in the library to the chairs in the atrium area and into the study room and media center areas. Senior year, I found my favorite chair and spot in the library. This specific chair was sitting in front of a window and the chair was in the corner of a large room. Though it was coolish once and awhile, okay most of the time, sitting next to the window, I love that spot.
• I preferred one specific computer lab and that was the LCL. In the LCL, I had a specific computer that I would head to.  
• The size of my classes got smaller and smaller as the years went. Which is probably normal as my classes became less general and focused more on my specific major and minor.

Alas, I have to start getting ready for my graduation, and I must stop writing. Maybe I'll write another post on as I reflect more on college, though I feel like I've done a lot of that this past year :). To end, I'm going to share some music that helped me through this last year of school. I have a strange and eclectic taste. 

"Skyfall" by Adele. We talked about my absolute love of this song. 

"Stronger (What doesn't Kill You)" by Kelly Clarkson. School didn't kill me; I can now officially say that. 

"Firework" by Katy Perry. I know, I know, but there's a story about a car ride and more.  

"Titanium" by David Guetta. I loved this before Pitch Perfect.

To conclude, I have listened to this song for the past four years, and I've always thought of my graduation when I listened to it. I present "My Way" by Frank Sinatra. 

The next time I will post, I'll be a college graduate. Sorta. 

Wow

I will be walking across the stage to receive my diploma holder in about two days time.*

OH!!!!!! MY!!!!!!

I can't believe this time has finally arrived. After all these years of waiting and longing for this day. It is finally here. The hard work and long hours have paid off because I've achieved what I wanted to achieve in college Here are some goals I set for myself, and I was able to achieve (not in any specific order):

1. I'm going to graduate with a degree which will get me a job and make me independent. This is why I picked an education degree even though I didn't have a desire to teach at the time.
2. I'm going to graduate with honors. My goal was to graduate Magna Cum Laude, but somehow (and I honestly don't know how), I'm graduating Summa cum Laude.
3. I'm going to graduate without ever having pulled an all nighter. I never saw the need for an all nighter as I believe if you work hard up to a project you rarely need to pull that night where you don't get any sleep. I have had nights when I only slept for three hours, but I still went to sleep.
4. I'm going to graduate with a multitude of friends I made through the years. P was always so sure that I would find great friends in college, and I have.
5. I'm going to graduate on time. Very few education majors are able to graduate on time, i.e., four years from when they started. To achieve that goal, you have to fit all of your coursework into seven semesters, so you can student teach in your eighth semester. It took many hours of planning and sacrifice on my part in that school had to be my priority. And again, I'm not sure how it all worked out.

God has been good to me these past four years. I've grown by leaps and bounds. I've learned greatly in many areas. Even though I'll be walking out with some debt (not my plan), I know the Lord's hand is in that too. Though, I didn't want to go to my college, and I struggled with going back every year, the Lord kept me there, and I know it was the best thing for me at this time.

It's been a good four years. I wonder what the next four will bring.

*I say my diploma holder because the diploma will come in about a month and a half's time after I complete the last five weeks of my student teaching. Yes, it will probably be a little anticlimactic on Monday.