Farewell 2013

2013 was the year:

• I student taught
• I graduated from college
• I received my first full-time job offer
• I accepted my first full-time job
• I moved out of my childhood home
• I relocated 3.5 hours away from my relatives
• I lived in my first apartment by myself
• I became a teacher
• I finally became an aunt
• I started my life as an adult

I think on the past year fondly remembering how I was directed and guided by God through major life steps and decisions. All good things must come to a close, so I bid this year farewell, and I anxiously anticipate the coming year of 2014 to see how the Lord will continue to lead and direct me.

Climb Every Mountain

If you haven't heard about The Sound of Music, Live!, then you've been living under a rock for the past month. I was unable to watch the premier performance as it was a Thursday night, and my cable hadn't been set-up yet.

After I finished my four-hour present wrapping this afternoon, I switched from Neflix to cable to see what I could have on as I cleaned my apartment. Lone behold, NBC was replaying The Sound of Music, Live! I could not pass up this opportunity. I've now been watching it for almost three hours, and, of course, singing along to all the songs. It's not horrible. In fact, I'm enjoying it, but, I am a complete and utter romantic at heart. As I love The Sound of Music deeply, I'm desperately trying to ignore the poor acting, the stilted speech, and Carrie Underwood's strained singing while not comparing it every second to the original. My mind, however, has been running a comparison the whole time.

I've found a part which is just as good if not better than the original movie--when Audra McDonald sings Climb Every Mountain. I had watched the clip earlier, and it completely stole my breath. As I was listening this stanza would not stop repeating in my brain, and it brought tears to my eyes as I watched it again:

A dream that will need 
All the love you can give, 
Every day of your life 
For as long as you live. 

I like to think I'm not the person who pulls random connections from all over, but do it, and one sprang to mind as I watched the clip--my job. This dream, that I'm living, needs all the love and patience I have in me. Whatever I do in life, I want it to be a dream that needs all the love I can give. Love is a precious, and I want to be able to give all the love I've been given to those who are put into my life.

Grandma and Pappy

I spent this morning at a nursing home where we served tea, coffee, and hor d'oeuvres to 20 or so elderly ladies. I always enjoy spending time with the elderly as they have so much to share and usually they can't wait to share it.

As I was listening to one lady, my eyes started to fill as memories of Grandma and Pappy popped into my mind, and I realized how life has changed since they died. No more trips to St. Anne's over Christmas break to spend time with them. No more cheating Uno games. No more seeing their eyes light up as their grandchildren played for them. No more reminiscing about "the old days." I struggled with thoughts and tears as I spent time with those dear elderly ladies. I loved hearing about their lives, but for some reason it only reminded me of my dear grandparents. I wanted to see my Grandma and hear her laugh. I wanted to walk with my Pappy and hear him sing and scat.

As I type, I'm becoming choked up again as even more thoughts and memories flood my mind. The tears and memories don't upset me because it is sweet to recall and reflect on the dear years I had with them. As I sit hear remembering, I cling to the precious thought that I will see them again, one day soon.

Thanksgiving Day

My Thanksgiving day has been filled with food, relaxing, reading, movies, and shows. Philip cooked, we cleaned, it was great. 

The long days and hours the past couple of weeks were worth it because of the utter relaxation and freedom I've had these days. I've done nothing productive today, nothing awfully productive yesterday, and I'm guessing nothing incredibly productive tomorrow. It. Feels. Amazing.

Hope your thanksgiving has been just as marvelous. 

Saturday Thoughts

*It's really, really, really, really hard to make myself do school prep on Saturday. Friday night is automatically out--there's like an unwritten rule or something. I always tell myself if I get more done on Saturday then I don't have to worry about it on Sunday, but that doesn't usually help too much.

Today, I worked for about three hours in the morning. Then I went to see a movie, and when the movie was done, it was raining which made me want to go home and curl up with a movie or another book.

The only reason I left my apartment today was to see the movie. Since I was out, I ran a couple of errands, but I came straight home, and I've been relaxing on my couch since then. Life truly doesn't get better than this.

I keep thinking about what if my life would change. I don't want it to change; I'm completely happy and content where I am. I currently have no desire to move, change jobs, or change relationship status. I like my freedom, oh how I like it.

I'm going to choose another book to read and read it all the way through because that's the way I can live my life right now, and I don't want that to change.

*This was a post I wrote the end of September and forgot to post.

22

I am now 22.

I look at my life and I look at others who are my age. I've realized that those who are my age are not in the same area of life I'm in.

I graduated from college when I was 21; I was offered a full-time job in my career when I was 21; I started my career when I was 21. Most 21 year olds are still in college; most 22 year olds are finishing up college; very few 21 and 22 year olds are done with college and have started their career.

Even though I can be an overachiever, it's not because I'm an overachiever that I'm a year head of my peers. You can place the blame on my parents. They chose to start me with kindergarten when I was 4, turning 5 in 3 months.

In reality, I'm okay with being young. I just don't tell my coworkers and definitely not my students how old (young) I am. I rarely think about my age in correlation with my life and compare it to others and their life happenings. I don't want to change my age because then I would lose out on those years. I'm not even sure if I would like people to stop being shocked by how young I am. I guess I would like it if it didn't matter my age, if what truly counted was my maturity, character, and actions.

3:00 in the Morning

I arrived home at 9:20-30 last night, and promptly went to bed. Silly contacts had dried out and given me a headache behind my eyes. That kind of headache completely wipes me out. (Not that the other kinds don't wipe me out too.) 

I woke up some time in the night to drink some water and use the restroom. I thought I would fall right back asleep, but alas no, my mind was strangely in insomniac mode. As I was up, I prepped the stuffing and corn for our Thanksgiving meal at church tomorrow. Now the food is ready to go for tomorrow today, and I'm sitting on my couch at 3:00 trying to make myself tired, so I can go back to sleep.  

 

Being on my own has changed me. Take today yesterday, this 3:00 in the morning time is throwing me off, for example: I went to a craft fair, I bought an artificial tree, I set-it up, I listened to Christmas music, I watched a Christmas movie, and I started setting up my Christmas decorations. What has happened to me that I'm setting up everything before Thanksgiving? 

You know how much I enjoy my quiet little life, and I wouldn't have it any other way. There's not much I don't mind doing by myself--shopping, cleaning, relaxing, cooking, watching movies, traveling. Depending on the people and circumstances, those activities are highly enjoyable with a person or a group of people. But they also have their own enjoyment when completed on your own. 

But there is one activity that I will not participate in on my own. In my three months completely on my own, I haven't even considered it. 

I won't go to a restaurant (fast-food or sit-down) and eat inside by myself. And according to NPR, this is a common choice for the majority of people.

Why? Am I that insecure that I can't eat a meal by myself in public? Am I afraid of how people view me? Is it not socially acceptable in our society? At home, I enjoy eating by myself, but eating out alone seems the height of patheticness. But there's something about eating alone in a restaurant that is just . . . odd. 

But why is eating out alone odd? 

Society's social expectations might scare people off from partaking in a meal alone in public as the perception of eating alone is that you are socially inept or lacking. It might be a little more acceptable to eat in the bar by yourself, but it's still not the norm. 

How people perceive us or our actions guides too much of our life and life choices. I think it would be amazing to go out for some Mexican since I'm craving it without worry about people's perception of me eating alone in a restaurant. 

Is it my fault that I'm too nervous to try eating out on my own?

Is it society's fault because of their judging perception?

Or is it a combination of both?      

The Hardest Parts

It's not the teaching that makes my job tough. It's not the endless planning and preparation. It's not the long hours. It's not the lack of curriculum and being required to recreate the wheel. It's not the fact that I'm forbidden to have a specific science and social studies time. It's not dealing with a variety of students who have a wide range of abilities from a first grade to a eleventh grade reading level. It's not the fact that I have students who choose to complete no schoolwork the entire day.

As I've been pondering what makes my job incredibly difficult and how I can't see anyone in my generation teaching for the next 40 years of their lives, I've come to a conclusion. The amount of data we are required to collect and how it completely consumes your teaching time so you can't actually teach your students coupled with the nasty politics which come with education will make it a rarity to find an elementary teacher 40 years from now whose been teaching elementary students for 40 years.

My Journals Part 1

As I unpacked two months ago, I unpacked my keepsake box. In the age of my single digits, I was instructed by my mom to store special things in a storage container that I would want later in my life, i.e., when I left and went out on my own. In that tote, I stored my salt and pepper shakers, butter knife, ice cream scoop, glasses, letters, old Bibles, a weaving kit, mementos from my travels, and my journals. Now that I'm in my own place, not much is left in my keepsake box as I can now utilize many items and the others I have on display around my place. As I unpacked, I was incredibly distracted by the 14 journals which I had filled in the past 11 years. I've decided to share my walk down memory lane though because of my now 16 journals and since I don't desire to overwhelm you, this will be a two-part series.

My first journal. This was a Christmas gift from Nathan and the journal which started it all. I poured all my angst, frustration, and loneliness into this journal. As I reread parts of it, I was mortified at my utter dislike of my siblings, I couldn't stop laughing over some lists I wrote, and I was brought back in time to my 11 to 15 year-old self. First entry: December 24, 2002. Final entry: July 18, 2006.

My second journal. At this point in my life, I separated my notes for church and my journal. This was one I took to church and Bible studies. First entry: November 11, 2005. Final entry: February 18, 2007.

My third journal. This journal contains the study we girls had to do for the parents circa 2005-2006. I wrote very short journal entries in this one, and I wrote down the time lapse which occurred as I was writing my entries. This also details the nine months that Pappy and Grandma lived with us. First entry: June 21, 2006. Final entry: December 19, 2006.

My fourth journal. This journal I received from Susie Ferris for my 8th grade graduation. As I reread this journal, I noticed my changing relationship with my siblings, my references to UAPD, and what I was struggling with. The tone of my writing is less childish. First entry: December 26, 2006. Final entry: January 7, 2008.

My fifth journal. This holds notes from church. I didn't like this notebook very much, so I wrote in about one-third of it before abandoning it. First entry: February 25, 2007. Final entry: June 12, 2007.

My sixth journal. This holds notes from church. It also records when I took my first missions trip with the youth group to Ladysmith, WI. First entry: June 17, 2007. Final entry: April 13, 2008.

My seventh journal. I loved the ribbons on the journal and the green pages. This journal holds the thoughts on one of my first serious crushes, my first genuine friendship, my continuing deepening relationship with my siblings, and my final high school years which included a break down over my ACT score and RuthAnn's encouragement and President Obama's election and inauguration. I loved seeing how I changed my attitude toward my siblings. Rereading my journals always reminds me how much they shaped, molded, and raised me (the majority was for the best). Without my siblings input and guidance, I'm positive I would be completely hopeless. First entry: January 8, 2008. Final entry: April 30, 2009.

My eighth journal. Notes for church. First entry: April 13, 2008. Final entry: May 24, 2009.

And with my eighth journal, I'm halfway through my journals which will wrap up Part 1 of my journal walk down memory lane.

An Aunt Again

Super excited to announce that I'll be an aunt again in April--Nate and Kari are expecting their first!

Ender's Game

My scattered and dis-jointed thoughts on Ender's Game by Dreson Scott Card.

As I was reading, I would forget that Ender was a child. It didn't matter if he was 6, 8, 10, 12, or 16, I would picture him in the latter stages of adolescence. I wanted to weep and cry for him. It's wrong to treat a child like that, to push him, isolate him for your own good. I know it was for everybody's good, but that's wrong. It makes sense that he completely fell apart. He collapsed because he never, ever wanted to kill. He hated that part about himself, he could read people well enough to know which way to hurt them. He always solved his battles with one fight.

To lie and not let him know that he was commander at the age of 10. To defeat those in battle at 12. Then to find out at 15-16 that those he defeated loved him and truly never meant to hurt those on earth. Finding that memorial would have shattered me, yet it didn't shatter him. Maybe it was because of his training and up-bringing or his character. Ender is a complete and utter introvert.

How do you manage to communicate with those whose communication form is vastly different? So much was unsaid all the time. No one was honest.

Ender was never able to go home. What was his home though? He had been torn from place to place his whole life. He had to learn to adapt to conform, to make do. To trust again. To give of himself again. I almost started bawling when Valentine said they would go about their adult duties as children and have to hide when they wanted to act like the children they actually were. Talk about using a labor force.

There is so much truth about almost forgetting about those whom you are not around anymore. You don't ever forget them, but you detach yourself from them just because you're not living the same life in the same place. That's life though, and for some you just pick off right where you started. For a fair amount, you struggle through the awkwardness and then learn to start again.

After finishing it, it's been in the back of my mind. I've been thinking about it in my subconscious and then bringing it to the front of my mind when I have time to think about it. It resonated with me in a way few books truly do.

The First Day

Me feet have blisters.

I can barely walk.

I'm dehydrated.

My mind is spinning.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm beyond exhausted.

But, I survived my first day of teaching.

It definitely didn't go as I planned, and I bungled various parts. Though, most of them were because no one had told me about the specific way to do it. I now realize how I fully despise teaching routines and procedures. Give me content any day of the week. Every part of the day just flew by. No part went completely as planned. I wasn't always the most positive in my classroom management style; I focused on the negative more.

The worst part was that I didn't feel confident; I didn't feel like I had done my best. I can't dwell on that because tomorrow I'm going to walk in to my classroom with one more day of experience. There's much I could have done differently and probably better. That's the way teaching works, the majority of the learning comes from experience.

However, I survived my first day of teaching, and I never have to have a first, first day of teaching again.

Introversion

I'm an introvert. According to the Meyer-Briggs personality assessment, I'm an INFJ. If you've never take the Meyer-Briggs personality assessment, I HIGHLY recommend it. As I read through my INJF Counselor - Protector profile, I was dumbfounded and stunned at how accurate it was.

"Counselors do quite well with individuals or groups of people, provided that the personal interactions are not superficial, and that they find some quiet, private time every now and then to recharge their batteries." Yes, that's true

"Counselors . . . can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional  reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life." "Most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive." Wow, how do they know that? I have the hardest time sharing my most inner feelings even with those I trust and love deeply. I've only recently become better at divulging personal secrets and many thoughts.

"Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena." "They get 'feelings' about things and iNtuitively understand them." No way! I've genuinely had dreams which actually happened later. I also have these feelings about people where I just know that they like each other or they don't, even though I don't understand it. I don't believe in psychics or think that I'm one, but sometimes I just know things. Though the majority of the time I can be pretty naive.

"INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their life." Yes, endless organizing and reorganizing and figuring out my priorities. This is creepy.

"Because the INFJ has strong iNtuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubbornness (Very stubborn) and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves--there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them (I think it's never quite good enough, that there's always more I can do to make it better. The work is never done). They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right." That is exactly how I think. How is possible that they know exactly how I think?

"INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective." I've been called a mother since I was four, but that was mainly for bossing everyone around. I am very protective of those I love though.

"INFJs generally have the following traits--idealistic, highly principled, complex and deep, sensitive and compassionate towards people, service-oriented, future-oriented (sometimes all I do is think about my future and plan for it), value deep authentic relationships, reserved about expressing their true selves, and intense and tightly-wound." 

"They're likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense & meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them." I talk about building meaningful relationships all the time; it's one of the main reasons I'm teaching where I'm teaching.

"Relationship strengths: sensitive and concerned for others' feelings; usually have good communication skills, especially written; take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships; have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and a weakness); good listener; are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)." Yes, yes, yes, yes.

"Relationship weaknesses: tendency to hold back part of themselves; not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities; extreme dislike of conflict and criticism; have very expectations for themselves (both a strength and a weakness." Yes, yes, yes, and yes.  

"The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socializing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types (variety is the spice of life). They are extremely iNtuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They'll have no interest in being around these kinds of people." Absolutely no patience for those kinds of people; they frustrate me to no end.

"The INFJ's perfectionism and idealism, when combined with their empathy and genuine concern for others, can cause them to be true servants for people in some fashion. They may be great doctors or ministers or counselors. If they have also achieved a good amount of life wisdom, they  can become powerful forces, such as Jesus (INFJ) & Mahatma Gandhi (INFJ)." Interesting, I have the same personality as Jesus and Gandhi. I don't mean that disrespectfully in anyway, though.

"May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others. May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it. May apply their judgement more often towards others, rather than toward themselves. With their ability to see an issue from many sides, they may always find others at fault for any problems in their lives. May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others. May be intolerant of weakness in others. May believe that they're always right. May be obsessive and passionate about details that may be unimportant to the big picture. May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic toward others. May have an intense and quick temper. May be tense, wound up, have high blood pressure, and find it difficult to relax. May hold grudges, and have difficulty forgiving people. May be wishy-washy & unsure how to act in situations that require quick decision making. May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others. May see so many tangents everywhere that they can't stay focused on the bottom line or the big picture." Ouch; ouch; so judgement its awful; ouch; and I hold them to those unreasonable expectations; ouch; ouch; ouch; ouch; my temper has always been such a struggle for me; this is why I can't play an instrument because I can't relax; I struggle with letting those grudges go; can't make decisions quickly; I have to think about it and write it down before I can communicate it semi-well; I get distracted when organizing because there's so much to do.

"If you become upset, walk away immediately. DO NOT express anger. When you get angry, you lose." And I lose big time if I don't walk away because then I ignite and spew horrible and awful things to the person I'm angry with.

"Relax! Do yourself a favor and learn how to effectively unwind. Get exercise and restful sleep. Take vacations. Engage in relaxing activities. Take care of yourself and your loved ones by learning to let go of your passion and intensity for a respite." I really need to take that to heart.     

Take the test to find out what your personality type is, and then read all about it and be amazed!

On My Own

I don't know if life gets much better than this. It's been the most amazing week-and-a-half of my life. Where do I start describing all that's happened?

I've slept, read, watched shows and movies, read curriculum's, listened to music, cooked, cleaned, Facebooked, Pinterested, Twittered, read LOTS of articles, die-cut, laminated, cut out all the laminated die-cut, started organizing my classroom, got keys to my school and classroom, met coworkers, started building relationships, worked-out, Skyped, texted, called, wrote, and ate.

I've driven around the town visiting churches, grocery stores, stores, coffee shops, opening bank accounts, finding hiking trails, and figuring out how all the roads connect.

I'll wake up and smile since I'm all alone in my own apartment. I'll be working on school stuff or reading an article, and it will hit me again. I'll be explaining, again, that I moved 3.5 hours north of my family to start my life as an adult, and my heart just jumps with all of the excitement.

I can't say that I haven't relaxed and there have been a couple days where I've only left my apartment to check my mail, but oh, it's been good, so, so good.

Calin

Mom and Dad are visiting Calin, and Mom's been sending pictures. I LOVE the pictures, but it makes me miss my nephew even more. Here he is in all of his cuteness.

He just makes my heart melt with love.

A Chapter Closes

I like to think about my life in chapters, and tonight a chapter is closing. It's my last night living in my hometown and sleeping in the house and room where I grew up--not many people can say they've lived in the same town and house for the first twenty-one years of their lives. This is it.

I'll be back. But, it will be for visits not for living. I'm not currently planning on moving back to this town; however, maybe that will be in another chapter in my life later down the road. I'm striking out on my own; I'm going to live by myself in a town far north from my hometown. A whole new set of friends and a different part of my life will begin.

I've visited and said good bye to those special places in town. I've made the rounds to say good bye to the dear friends I've made in town. I took my final walk with Dad. I spent time with my dear family. It's time. This chapter only has a few more lines. Tomorrow a new chapter starts.

A Scrap of Paper

As I was moving bookcases today and filling up the moving trailer, I came across two of my scraps of paper which were filled with thoughts. One was me writing down my goals for the future. As I read through it, I couldn't stop thinking about how God has worked and lead in my life to this point. I wanted to share this scrap of paper with you, written out exactly as I wrote it a year and a half ago. So please pardon the bad grammar and sentence structure. What I found especially interesting is how I'm reaching my goals and plans I wrote out, but the order has changed and some areas have been eliminated as the Lord has revealed my next step. Other, however, are still firmly rooted.

02-16-12

2013, Graduate from college with an elementary education degree. 

I would like to teach overseas for at least 2 years and maybe up to 5.  

I would like to come back to the States and work in a public school in a city and get my Masters in Library Science and Technology.

I then want to get a job at a library specifically in a children's room.

During the years, I desire to work in a church--be a part of Bible Studies or run them. Work with children. Go on trips overseas. Witness to my coworkers and be Salt and Light in the world, to be with a body of believers fellowshipping and edifying one another. 

I don't know if that's where God will lead me, and I am ready and willing for the Lord to lead me in another area. Lord lead me where you will. I truly want to follow you, your will, and be Christ-like. I desire to use whatever money I make to support my church, missionaries, and other believers. I want to reach out to low-income families, to provide services to help them and their children. To work with children who struggle with reading. 

Lord, use me as you will! I give myself to you daily, I give you my body, I give you my health, I give you my relationship status, I give you my money, I give you my all because you deserve it all, you are worthy of all and it is what I can [give]. May your name be praised and glorified. 

My first profession, my calling is to be God's servant. That's my vocation, the methods and opportunities vary from person to person (job, specific focus), but we all have the vocation of serving and loving God with all of our heart, soul, and mind. 

My passion needs to be God-focused. He needs to be my focus as I minister toward others. 

I feel so inadequately equipped to carry out God's plan for my life. I'm so humbled that He has a specific plan for me. 

I do regularly give in to my sinful flesh because it's hard to battle it, and I can't seem to say no. But I'm not turning to God for the strength. I need to keep fighting, so God can continue to use me.  

Variety, the Spice of Life

"Variety's the very spice of life

That gives it all its flavor."

William Cowper  

According to Google's dictionary variety is:
1. The quality or state of being different or diverse; the absence of uniformity, sameness, or monotony.
2. A number or range of things of the same general class that are different or distinct in character or quality.

Friends and friendship have come up in conversations recently, and I hold to the belief that people ought to have a variety of friends, friendships, and relationships. Personally, I enjoy my varied assortment. As I sat at a four hour lunch yesterday catching up with a dear friend and former coworker from my Hallmark days, I smiled at how diverse and different Sandy and I are. Despite the diversity, we are good friends who can spend hours talking, listening, and sharing without realizing how long has passed. It doesn't matter that Sandy is forty years older than I (give or take a few) which puts us in diverse life stages, and it doesn't matter that we hold to different beliefs; in fact, our differences are what add, "the very spice of life."

I'm dumbfounded that so many people would choose to have their life flavored so blandly when they could live a life filled with delicious and varied flavors. Instead of eating the same meal with the same flavors repeatedly, you eat to enjoy. You eat to expand your horizons, your taste-buds, to become a more well-rounded person. You're not afraid to give the varied people a chance because you know that each spice brings a different flavor. Some flavors take time getting accustomed to, others you like right away and become a staple in all of your cooking, others you can take only in small batches, others are precious and are saved for special occasions. Regardless, you're always incorporating and adding a variety of spices. And you're always trying new ones. Add some flavor to your life and have a variety of friends, friendships, and relationships.

One More Week!

One week from today, I will be moving into my apartment in my new city!!!

Excited isn't my emotion; it's more like ecstatic. Charity and I were talking last night about what we wanted to do first in our own apartments. Mine was waking up, and being able to get ready with out carting all of my shower and clothes stuff back and forth from the bathroom, and then getting ready to music. I know it's an odd first thing, but I don't care. You know what, I might have to  change that to closing my bedroom door. After a curtain as my bedroom door for the past ten years, I'm jubilant over a bedroom door.

It's the small things that make the move.

Grieving

I can't but help grieve as I write this as I ponder good byes. My good byes to my Little Sister pale in comparison to those family members and loved ones who didn't get to say their good byes to the three who passed into eternity this afternoon. A young couple and their unborn child lost their lives this afternoon plus another teen. Many more are in the hospital being treated for injuries, some in critical condition.

I can't even begin to imagine what the families are going through. The young couple were 24-25, not much older then I. I was her stand partner when she was in college. We were friends of a sort when I was in orchestra. Now, she has passed into eternity. So young. The couple leaves behind a toddler. My heart breaks for this boy who has been orphaned at such a young age. The parents of the young couple and the teen--oh the suffering and grief!

How quickly, how quickly our lives are. How my heart is grieving and broken over this accident and those who the Lord carried into eternity this afternoon!

Good Byes

I've been busy this past week saying good bye to friends and acquaintances all the while hoping that today wouldn't come, and I wouldn't have to face this good bye. I didn't want to say good bye to her; I knew it was going to be the hardest of them all. 

My Little Sister is only nine-years-old. I forget that. I forget how young she is. She's had to deal and live through junk and crap no nine-year-old ought to deal with which has made her more mature for her age which leads me to forget that she's nine.

I loved our lazy and relaxing day together. We visited the library, made mac & cheese, read, played computer games, went to the park, made stuffed shells for dinner, took pictures, and talked. Real and deep talking doesn't usually happen because of my Little Sister's age, but today, we had some good conversations. 

We talked about good memories, the future, her life, my life, and us. We weren't afraid to admit this good bye was difficult for both of us. Somehow, I managed to keep my tears in until I dropped her off and started my drive home. 

I have to keep reminding myself that, like I told her, this good bye is not forever. We will be in each others life, I pray and hope, for the rest of our lives.   

 

Preparation

The worst part is the guilt. I know I ought to spend the majority of my time preparing for my classroom.

The second to worst part are the options. There's so much to do for my classroom, but I don't even know where to start. So I make excuses and putz around on the computer, compiling helpful information without actually formalizing anything. And I make lots of excuses:

I don't know what my classroom will look like, so I don't know how to prepare. I can't organize or arrange it without the visual. I can't prepare bulletin boards without knowing if I have bulletin board space. I can't look over curriculum because I'm not sure if I'll be starting with 4th or 5th grade. (Though, I have read through those two portions in Common Core.) I can't level my books because all of my books are in boxes. I can't buy organizational and decorational items for my classroom because I don't have extra money.

Excuses aside, I honestly think there isn't much I can do right now. Come August 6, my excuses will run out. I made an appointment with my principal to have a building tour of CI, receive my keys for school, and ask him any questions. I will, also, meet the two other new teachers at CI that day. Then I'll be in a frenzy preparing, planning, organizing, settling in. I'm so happy I'll have the keys, so I can use those weeks to be in my classroom and at school getting ready.

Excitement, worry, joy, and terrified are just the tip of the iceberg. Then guilt gets added on because I'm not doing enough to best prepare myself for this school year which I know will be absolutely crazy. I need something to do until August 6. Hmmm . . . Oh, I can make lists. I'm great at making lists. Now that I have a plan, I'll start making my lists. Not sure what the lists will be about, but I promise I'll be making lists which will aid my classroom preparation.

Writing

I think about words. I think about how to put them together, how to phrase certain sentences. It's funny because when I'm talking to myself the words flow smoothly and articulately. Then I sit down to put those thoughts to paper (or screen), and my mind goes blank. When my thoughts finally return, they come together flat and stale. Words are powerful yet I can't seem to string them together coherently to accurately project and portray the thoughts I've been pondering.

The joys of writing.

Even though writing is excruciatingly difficult, I couldn't live without it. It's my life-line. It's cathartic. It's my thinking outlet. I come to my journal, my scrap of paper, my Jane-a-Day journal, or my blog; and as I write out all my thoughts, feelings, and conversations, I process, filter, think, and make decisions. I need all those various writing outlets, and each outlet has it's own unique purpose.

My journal documents those close, personal, and private thoughts which I do not need to share with the world, but those thoughts which I must think through. Journal entries, after much refining and continued thinking, may become blog posts. My scraps of paper records the thoughts which pop into my head and must be written down immediately before they fly out of my mind.

My Jane-a-Day journal is a 5-year journal which I started in January. Every day has a quote from of Jane Austen's books, and I write a short reply to the quote--what it make me thinks of, how I react to it, if I connect to anything, agreement or disagreement of her statement--or sometimes I just write a short recap of my day. My blog preserves pieces of writings and memories which I deem fit to share with the public while I can still, currently, be anonymous.*

I love preserving the thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, and many happenings which my memory won't always be able to recall down the road. I love reading through my journal and blog entries, my random scraps of papers, and my Jane-a-Day journal to see what I wrote, how I reacted to a situation, my thinking process for a decision, and how I've grown and changed.

One of the great things about friends is when they in ordinary conversation, reveal to you a part of who you are but have never realized how you were defined by that part or how important it is. I showed Jessica a couple of quotes from my Jane journal, and this one was across the page:

I am not at all in a humor for writing; I must write on till I am. 

Personal Correspondence 

My comment was this, "I don't understand this statement because I'm not a writer. I've heard that sentiment voiced by other authors but have never experienced it myself."

Jessica read the quote and statement, looked at me, and made a comment that she wasn't sure why I would say that since I am a writer. No one had ever told me that before. Being me, Jessica's statement wouldn't leave my head, and I've now been pondering the thought for the past seven months that I am a writer. (Another aspect of myself that I hadn't been honest about to myself about myself, read here for my initial post on being honest to myself about myself). My conclusion: I'm a writer, and writing is vital for my survival and sanity. And I like it that way.

*There are days when I wished my blog would have more followers, but I'm not ready for that yet. I really do enjoy my anonymity and small following. 

My Last Saturday

Today has been in my thoughts for years and years. Every Saturday morning when I didn't want to get up early and start another incredibly long day, I would remind myself that one day it would be my last. My last Saturday.

After a fun and talking-filled Friday evening with an amazing group of people from my church, I finally fell into my bed around 11:15 knowing I would be up in a few short hours for my final Saturday morning 6:00 shift. The late night was made better with the thought that this would be my last Saturday shift.

I've worked every Saturday for the past five years of my life. Granted there was an occasional (and I stress the occasional) Saturday I would ask or have off if I was away on a trip or something special and specific was going on. But most of the time, I would work and then attend something else--concerts, parties, study groups, family outings, friend time, Little Sister meetings, visits to Joanna's, and the list goes on and on. I counted one summer--of the twelve Saturday's that summer break, I worked ten of them, and the other two, I spent in Florida on a church trip. During the school year, there might be one Saturday a semester I didn't work depending on concerts, tours, and tests.

I would guess that at least once a Saturday in the past five years while interacting with my customers, I wondered what it must be like to not work a job over the weekend. Now, I'll be able to live on the other side, not working weekends (even though I do realize teachers probably wouldn't survive if they didn't have time over their weekends to work and prep for school ).

It was a good Saturday shift today. Busy enough for the hours to go by quickly but not crazy enough that I was on edge always dealing with frustrated customers who had been waiting ages to finish their grocery shopping. Like the majority of the other Saturdays over the past five years, I came home and was off to something else. Today was, first, a wedding and then Little Sister time. All of which has left me, like normal, positively exhausted and unable to write anymore on this momentous day. So I'll bid you adieu for the evening.  

Salsa Blues

I adore chips and salsa; I could consume them very regularly. But my love has been suffering because of a lack of a good salsa--I've been having some salsa blues. Don't try to tell me that store bought salsa is good--it isn't and it never will be.

I started hunting around and quickly happened upon this recipe, and as soon as was feasible (tonight), I whipped up a batch.

It was delicious. Fresh, with a little kick, a hint of cilantro and lime but neither not overpowering. I pulsed mine, like suggested, until it was a smoother salsa. It tasted delicious, and it smelled fantastic. The only negative--it was a little watery. We, RuthAnn and I, think it was because the cilantro was awfully watery.

I highly recommend trying this if you too need to be lifted from the salsa blues.

My next experiment is to find a salsa which is delicious and which I can can. (Sorry, my brain can't think of another way to word the sentence).

4th of July

It's not that I'm unpatriotic; it's just that I'm not a huge celebration person. Plus, I grew up in a family where celebrations weren't huge and large. It may have been because money was always tight as it was, but we never had big celebrations. Celebrations were always low-key events with just the family.

This 4th followed the same format. I spent the morning and afternoon working at The Grocery Store. Which, by the way, was my last holiday to work. [Gleeful jumping up and down may now commence.] This 4th was much better than last 4th. After P and I finished work (his last shift at The Grocery Store for a good while), we, plus R, headed up to J's for dinner with the parents and some relaxation.

That was it--no fireworks, no parades, no cookouts (we ate spaghetti), no big celebrations. Just low-key family time, talking, eating, watching movies, and sleeping.  

Moving

I'm moving in thirty or so days, and that fact is starting to set in. Moving boxes are sitting in my room waiting to be filled and reminding me every time I look up that I ought to start packing up my books. Being me, I've been thinking about the specific reasons I'm looking forward to having my own place.

1. Buying house stuff. Buying kitchen wear, decorating and making my place homey and cozy, putting my stamp on it. Pots, pans, blankets, lamps, side tables, tables, and chairs--I get excitement shivers just thinking about it. But I've never let myself think about how I would like to set-up and decorate my home like, until now. So, in all honesty, I've spent a fair amount of hours on Pinterest looking at and pinning styles I like.

2. Space for my books. Now this aspect I've dreamed about for years and years. I've always wanted a whole room dedicated to my books where they wouldn't be cramped, and I wouldn't be as cramped with them around me. I can't wait to set them all up in alphabetical order on my own bookcases in my own apartment. I will miss staring at them when I wake up in the morning and being surrounded by them all the time, but I'm ready for this upgrade!

3. Cooking. Everyone I've talked to has said that cooking for one person is no fun, but I'm intrigued and thrilled about buying, preparing, and cooking my own meals. I'm ready to eat what I want to eat and try lots of different foods, and find ways to save money. I've been researching and thinking about how to prepare meals for one. As I've always cooked for four or more people, it will be a struggled I suppose.

So far, those are the three specific aspects I'm looking forward to about having my own place. Maybe, I'll come up with some more later.

Ten Year Anniversary Eve

On the eve of this tenth year anniversary, I can't help but remember, reflect and reminiscence.

This night ten years ago, I had no inkling of what the following day would bring and how my life path would forever be altered. You wouldn't think that such a seemingly small and insignificant change (to some people) would bring about such a change for the future.

Because of my age ten years ago, I don't remember all the hairy, gritty, nasty details. The Lord preserved me from that; I haven't had to deal and work through the bitterness and other struggles those I love have had to. That's not saying, I wasn't touched or left unscathed. I've had my own personal battles to overcome because of those first thirteen years of my life, yet I look back and I see the Lord's hand of preservation on my life. Those were not the struggles and battles I needed to fight or be aware of, and the Lord preserved me from noticing it all and letting it effect me.

I was sitting/sleeping in the same bed and in the same room I'm currently typing this post in. I don't even remember the preparation for the next day; in my mind, it was just going to be like all the other Sunday's of my life--I was dreading the long day and waiting for the day to be over even before it started. Whereas tonight, I spent my evening being convicted and blessed through a night of Bible study and prayer with my church family which I looked forward to all day.

That evening ten years ago, I had no purpose or direction in my life. None existed. Those were the years when I had one all consuming focus, and it wasn't serving and glorifying God with my life, and it didn't include any goals to achieve my focus. Tonight, I have a purpose and direction for my life. I'm a month away from moving away and out on my own to serve the Lord in a secular work place where the Lord has given me a burden to minister and build relationships. I have a life statement and purpose which I had never crossed my mind ten years ago.

As I sit here tonight remembering, reflecting, and reminiscing, I wouldn't change those first thirteen years no matter the hardships I faced, the trials and struggles which I went through because of that experience. I wouldn't change these past ten ones with all of the awkwardness I faced for the next five years (at least) as I started to learn who I was and what God's purpose and desire for my life was and for the past four-five years as I've been through another set of experiences. Through all the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the pros and cons, I've been molded and I'm being molded into Christ's image. The great thing about my molding is it's never done. I know these next ten years will bring with them their own set of hardships and experiences, and they'll all be tailored to mold me more in Christ's image and for His glory.  

The Job Offer

169 applications.

1 job fair.

5 call backs.

5 interviews.

1 job offer.

On Wednesday, June 19th, 2013 around 4:30 in the afternoon, I received a call from a man named Dave who offered me a full time teaching position as a 4th and 5th grade looping teaching in northern WI.

I, without a moment of hesitation, accepted.

It felt good to finally be wanted by a school district and shown that I had something to offer and add to their district. I loved finally be able to call my family and friends and share with them the exciting news. It was bittersweet telling my church family as I will miss them so much, yet I'm thrilled about the opportunity to join with another church family and build more relationships. It BROKE my heart to tell my Little Sister the news; I've been praying that we really will stay in contact as we move apart in physical distance.

The shock is starting to wear off, and reality, thankfully, is starting to come back. I spent the evening looking at apartments and starting to make lists of house things I need to buy. Maybe by the end of the weekend, I'll be able to start thinking about what I'll need to prep for teaching or start doing in-depth research on 4th-5th grade Common Core.

My job hunt is over, and I couldn't be more happy and content with how God worked it all out.

I'm Tired

I'm tired of my job hunt.

I'm tired of submitting application after application and rarely hearing anything back.

I'm tired of writing cover letters.

I'm tired of logging on to WECAN. Very tired.

I'm tired of interviews and all the questions.

I'm tired of my nervousness.

I'm tired of waiting around for a phone call.

I'm tired of another minute, hour, day passing without hearing back from an interview.

I'm tired of waiting


waiting




waiting









waiting . . .

Summer Time

Ahhh summer, you've arrived, and you've made me absolutely happy.

Since Thursday, I've spent most of my time reading and sleeping. R presented me with a new series, and I've been reading through them voraciously. This series is about a family who has eight children--four girls and four boys. They're nothing like my family, but once and a while something happens that reminds me of my family, and it's made the series all more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, though, the series is highly enjoyable in itself--all eight books. I started the series last Saturday, and today I started number seven. Hmm, it definitely is summer.

I know it's summer because I've started making my summer reading list. Not sure what I'll end up reading this summer, but it's going to be a great summer of reading. I've been keeping track of the new books I've read this year in the reading journal I received from Jessica--maybe I'll keep you posted on the books I read this summer.

Even though I can see this summer going in multiple directions, I know it's going to be awfully enjoyable.

A Nervous Ball of Energy

I am currently doing everything in my power to not think about my job interview in four hours. This has been the oddest yet a great week. Let me tell you about my this past week.

Sunday: After having traveled 9.5 hours on Saturday (we left at 5 AM, and I was up at 3:30) and then talking and catching up with relatives for another 7 hours, I was finally able to go to sleep. I awoke much more refreshed and ready to commence on the awfully long day that goes along with two funeral viewing times.

I spent the morning furiously writing. I was sitting there in a place I didn't want to be, and I was upset about it. My mind needed a break from all the thoughts, so I spent the next hour writing them all down. I felt much better after that.

The afternoon was spent in the funeral home talking with my cousins as person after person came to pay their respects to my Grandma, and we didn't know person after person walking into the funeral home. The great thing about funerals is all the family getting together and spending time catching up. The hours of 3-5 and 7-9 moved along so incredibly slow. Finally, it was time for us to leave. We all needed ice cream after that ordeal, so we headed to Cold-stone with my cousin Dan, his girlfriend Alyssa, and their adorable daughter Mia. As our souls were soothed by ice cream (and peanut butter for me), we all commented that this was exactly what we needed. I was reminded of my Pappy and his utter love of ice cream, and it made me miss him even more.

Monday: The funeral service for my Grandma. I hadn't cried much during the viewing, but I couldn't stop crying during the processional into the service--especially when I saw Helga. I was okay during the service until my Dad, two of his sisters, and my cousin with the same name talked about Grandma. In each and everyone of their speeches, the tears were rolling down my cheeks.

Driving to the graveside: It's fun being part of the funeral procession and running red lights and stop signs :). We also drove 40 on the highway which was marked at 65. Then it was lunch time where we spent more time with all of our family and relatives.

After everyone one packed up, we (R, P, and I) drove through the night to come home to WI arriving at 2 Tuesday morning.

Tuesday: I didn't go into school because I needed a day of rest. Since Thursday was going to be my last day, I knew I needed to continue submitting more job applications. I had worked on some applications and questions on the drive home, and I just needed to upload them. This was about 10 in the morning.

11:30, RUSD called me back to reschedule the interview which had been originally scheduled for Monday, Grandma's funeral. We scheduled it for Monday at 11:00. Hopefully, I'll be able to make this one.

1:15, I receive a call from one of the school's I had submitted an application to 3 hours earlier--PES. They wanted to set up an interview for Wednesday. I jumped at the opportunity, and set the time for 5:30 the next day. I was thrown for a loop that they looked at my application and wanted to set up an interview right away.

Wednesday: It was the last full day of school. The day was spent mainly playing games and cleaning our classroom. I didn't provide any instruction to my students. While cleaning, I kept prepping my interview responses for later that day, and then I was filling my coworker in on my weekend and my upcoming interview.

5:30 my interview starts. It went incredibly better than my first interview that I had a couple of weeks ago. I met with the principal, RB, until 6:10. My answers were clear with plenty of good examples, and I was relaxed and comfortable talking to the principal. I left thinking it went well and wondering if I would maybe get called back for a second interview as he had asked me what my schedule would be like Friday and beyond.

Thursday: Last day of school. Last day of student teaching. Last day of being a student. It was--I wonder which word I will use, oh wait the one that I've been using at every ending point for the past year--bittersweet. Around 11:00, my cooperating teacher pulls me from the classroom I was assisting in. JS explains that the principal from PES called JB (DES's principal). JB had been out of the office, so RB had left a message. JB wanted JS to be in the room when JB called RB back. I needed to wait with one of our students in our classroom. I anxiously waited trying to compose some emails and wondering what would happen next in my life. JS, finally, walks; she's super excited waving RB's phone number, and telling me that I was supposed to call and set up a time for a second interview.

I said goodbye to my students at 11:20 and at 11:30, the students were gone. I was a little surprised how many students were crying--they were incredibly heart-broken that the school year was finished.

I called RB, and we set up an interview time for today at 12:30 until 2. They will tell me some specific district/contract information at the beginning. I will then receive a box of materials, and I'll have 20 minutes to prepare a literacy lesson. I will then teach the literacy lesson to a 3rd grade teacher, a 4th grade teacher, the literacy coach, and the principal. After my lesson, I will be given a tour of the school.

Ever since I ended the conversation, I've been completely freaking out. There's no way to prepare for this interview, and that is just killing me. Besides not being able to prepare, my mind started racing thinking of all the possibilities and going through all the "What if . . .'s" Since then, I've been distracting myself and keeping my mind busy with other work, so I don't focus on it. I was also extremely exhilarated that I was done, done, done, done, done. (See previous post)

I went to the library, read, prayed, watched a movie, had dinner, prayed, cleaned, prayed, talked with some people, wrote, read some more, prayed, and finally slept.

Friday: Now I only have three hours until the interview, but I'm still keeping my mind distracted and away from thinking about the interview. I'm a nervous ball of energy as I occupy my mind so I don't focus on this job interview and the possible outcome while still trying to prepare mentally. Pretty sure, I've never been more nervous, excited, and confused. It's been an absolutely crazy week, and it's not even done yet.  

"That's a Wrap"

Yup, I finished my student teaching today. I am done, done, done, done, done, done, done, done.

Grandma ~ Clare

My grandma passed away this afternoon. Even though we knew that it was most likely that she would pass in the next couple of days, it doesn't make it easier.

I remember her canes--Theodore and Abigail. Theodore was a dark metal, maybe bronze, while Abigail had a silver overlay. They were quad canes, so we had much fun swinging them around, standing on them and rocking back and forth. I don't remember us ever sword fighting with them.

Grandma was probably one of the most stubborn women I've known, but she was such a hard-worker. She was independent her whole life, so when the accident occurred, losing independence was a struggle for her. She fought to walk again--her stubbornness and independence are what allowed her to walk again. My grandma was an amazing woman.

She was so proud of her daughters all graduating from college and making a career and family for themselves. She loved that her granddaughters were following the same educational path. When she and Pappy lived with us for nine months, we talked about school as I worked on my school. She loved learning. She loved to read, though she always went in for the trashy romance novels. The Western bodice rippers were her favorites.

She always had a tissue balled up in her sleeve regardless of season, short or long sleeves. Her skin was soft and wrinkly. When you hugged her and touched her hair, powder would puff out.

Oh those Uno games. We would tease her endlessly, and the phrases we learned from her. No more endless Uno games with Grandma--she would get so frustrated and upset with us, it was quite comical.

She's gone. That's hard to believe and wrap my mind around as I'm sitting here in my room in WI. When we head to PA, and we don't go to St. Anne's, and I see her body, I know it's going to hit me. That's when it hit me three years ago when Pappy passed.

I carry her name in my name. Strangely, now that she's left this earth, being named after her seems even more special. I'm a living reminder of my Grandma.

Her laugh. She never would drink her water, it was a sip for each meal. A sandwich and soup for lunch. And her awful cooking. Grandma hated to cook, and it was always pretty horrible. I didn't notice as a young child, but when I lived with them for a month, I noticed it more when I tried to eat her soup.

Grandma grew up during the Depression, so she never threw much out, she bought food to freeze it even if she already had a full freezer. She was careful with her money. Grandma and Pappy always seemed so rich as a young child, even though they weren't.

I keep remembering their old house where they lived for the majority of their married life. Arriving in the middle of the night, and Grandma and Pappy sleeping in their chairs while the TV was still on. The smell. The pathway of the house. The specific feel of the carpet on my feet. Sneaking around and watching TV at night when the parents went to sleep. Climbing on Pappy's lap; sitting next to Grandma and talking or playing Uno. Eating candy out of Grandma's candy jars and purposefully not eating all the licorice flavored pieces.,

Grandma called me a chatterbox and a bag lady. I totally take after her. She always called her purse her luggage because she had everything in her purse. I have the mindset of "what if" regarding my purse, so my purse is always a large bag where I have most everything you would need.

I knew Grandma at a very different period in her life. I am extremely privileged and honored that I was able to live and know her for the past twenty-one years of my life and that I am her granddaughter.

Grandma phrases: "I'm going to flush you down the camod." "Yeller." Instead of saying yellow. "Are you snoopervising? I'll just snoopervise." "Where's my luggage."

I know this incoherent and all over the place, but tonight I needed to journal, to write whatever came to mind. The memories won't stop flooding back, yet the eyes are drooping.

I love you Grandma, I miss you already. I can't wait until we can be reunited in Heaven one day soon.

Calin

I met my nephew today. If possible, I'm even more in love.

Calin is tiny as could be--tiny fingers, tiny toes, tiny ears. His ears are positively adorable. Holding him is like nothing else. When he's awake, his eyes are alert and wide open looking all around. It didn't take long for him to spit-up on me, but that's part of babies.

I think most of all I love watching my brother and sister-in-law parent so wonderfully already. They give me hope when I see poor parenting.

 

North & South

So R and I are home by ourselves, and after watching another Austen update (which we of course enjoyed greatly even though it was pretty awful), we looked at each other and decided we could maybe use some North & South. It is a fabulous adaptation, and both Daniela Denby-Ashe and Richard Armitage do a wonderful job. Enduring love-story, good setting, great acting, and an interesting theme melody. But to be completely honest, we were ready to watch some more of Richard Armitage. So you can all share in our enjoyment, here are some pictures. Who knew that Google Images would provide such a plethora of lovely pictures of Richard Armitage? Enjoy!

Here are some of him that are not from North & South:

Raising Children

Ever have those days where a thought keeps percolating all day long? That's how it's been for me today. My thought today was on the thought of raising children and specifically raising girls with marriage in mind. I'm not in a dating relationship, and I'm currently not planning on being in a relationship, but I was a child who was raised, and I was a girl who was raised (partially) with marriage in mind. This line of thinking has been heavy on my mind for the past four years, and it nagged at me for the four year before that. 

As I've thought about this issue over the past eight years, I've studied the scriptures, and the more I've studied the more I believe the mindset of raising girls with marriage in mind is unbiblical. My statement will bring people up in arms, and it is against the status quo, but I believe there is a better and more biblical way to raise girls into women. 

"The highest calling for a woman is to be a wife and mother."
 
Some people will make that statement, and I literally cringe and shudder when I hear that statement come out of people's mouths. It is such an unbibilcal statement! The highest calling of a believer is to love and serve our Lord Jesus Christ and Savior with all of our heart, mind,  soul, and body. To say something else is the highest calling turns that something else into an idol which replaces God's "#1" status in our life.

Matthew 22:37, "And He said unto to him, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets."  

When we surrender ourselves to God's leading, He leads us in the path to the place where He wants us to serve Him. Here's a thought which boggles my mind--in our body of believers, each member has a special calling and place where their specific talents, desires, and life experiences mesh perfectly so they can best serve the Lord in that specific area and location. We may serve in similar occupations (like being a wife and mother), yet each person serves the Lord in a unique way because of where she is in her season of life and how the Lord meshes her talents, desires, and life experiences for His honor and glory. 

On the parenting side, sadly, too many parents raise their children with specific occupations in mind such as the issue I've been pondering--raising women for only marriage. I believe parents should have a mindset that they are stewards of their children for a few short years and in those years, the parents are to first bring the gospel to their children and if the Lord saves them, the parents are to then prepare their children for a life of service to their Savior. Our life spent in service to our Savior is the best way to spend our life. 

Since the Lord can and does take and use His children in diverse areas so as to spread the gospel to the whole world, parents can't predict where their child will serve the Lord, yet the parents are responsible in assisting the child and preparing her for service to their Lord. My humble suggestion and thought to best prepare your child for the Lord's service is by building their character, by building a strong foundation. A person who is steadfast, respectful, responsible, faithful, genuine, hard-working, caring towards others, has a relationship-building mindset, God-fearing, and desires for her life to bring honor and glory to her Savior is able to be used of the Lord in that specific way He has planned for her life. 

Personally, I had to think and study this matter out because in some senses I was raised for marriage and in other senses I was raised to serve the Lord in any matter and position. Around eight years ago, I started thinking about college and life beyond college. At that point in my life, I didn't have any ambitions or dreams of what I wanted to study and end up being besides a wife and a mother. I couldn't imagine, even fathom what my life would be if I didn't get married. I distinctly remember sitting on the stairs and wondering what I would do if I didn't get married. My mind was completely blank. The moment I realized that my only goal in life was to get married and have a family, I knew something was wrong. That desire had become an all consuming focus and an idol in my life. I had completely left God out of my plans and how I could best serve Him. I knew I had to figure this out because my gut told me having marriage and a family as my only goal in life was unwise, unhealthy, and would only lead to discontentment. 

So began a life-changing journey.* During this journey, the Lord changed my heart and helped bring me to a more balanced mindset on marriage and singleness--I went from marriage being my only life goal to almost completely opposed to the idea of me being married and singleness being the most biblical to a more balanced view that both singleness and marriage are biblical, and they are both blessed and ordained by God. I realized that God's children are all in different seasons of life and at varying points of singleness and marriage, and God uses His children at all those different seasons of life in special and unique ways. I took my mind off of finding a man, and I started serving the Lord. 

Over these past eight years, I've become increasingly burdened for girls who are being raised with only marriage in mind and for those who have been raised with that mindset. I know the heart-rending struggles I went through. I know the pain and suffering. I know the discontentment and dissatisfaction it breeds within you when you don't have that relationship. I want to spare other girls and women from those struggles. I would like to be able to help girls and women to the point the Lord has brought me to. I'm not perfect, but the Lord has brought me to the point in my life where I've told Him wherever, whatever, and with whomever as long I'm serving Him, spreading the gospel, and bringing Him honor and glory. It's a freeing and amazing place to be, as long as I'm loving and serving my Lord.      

*This post is already long enough, and the journey will take a while to relate, so that will have to wait for another post. 

An Actress

In one of my classes last year, we discussed how teachers have to be actresses and actors. I agreed with the statement, but today confirmed the necessity of being an actress, and I truly believe in that statement now.

Today, I was an actress. I tried thinking of a specific actress, and maybe I was a little like Amy Adams in Enchanted, but I don't remember much about that movie.

I have one student, who I'll call CJ. CJ is stubborn beyond belief. The nature of her disability is usually linked to an increased stubbornness. CJ's stubbornness comes through when it is time to transition or just do work. Actually, you can see her stubbornness anytime of the day.

For example, CJ's time on the iPad was over, and she needed to choose another center. CJ did not want to leave the iPad. I told her her time was up, and it was time to switch. She latched her tiny fingers onto the iPad and refused to move. I sighed, and wondered how I was going to get her to move. M needed the iPad because it's part of her routine--she completes her iPad center and then heads to snack. Thinking on my feet and acting all perky and excited, I told CJ I needed her help to pick out some books which I could read to her. I couldn't do this on my own, and wouldn't it be soooo much fun to read with me in the sensory room? She thought for a little, and then decided she liked this idea and left the iPad. I sighed with relief (my day is filled with lots of sighing and deep breaths) and headed to help CJ pick out her books.

My day is filled with countless moments of me trying to get CJ to do her job. It requires so much acting and thinking on my feet of how I can phrase what she needs to do as a job of helping me. CJ LOVES to help, and it's even better if she can do it on her own, so I'm always trying to figure out a way to word my sentences in that manner.

Another example of my acting today occurred during math group. My students were dead and out of it for some reason. I put on this bright and happy face and attitude, and made that the most exciting lesson ever. We were working on this math game of earning pennies, exchanging them for dimes, and then dollars. I kept it moving so quickly which for some reason made the students more interested in the game. After the students left, I took this huge breath and let it out. I was exhausted from those 40 minutes of super high energy which my students needed during math.

Being an actress today made my day more interesting and made me more personally excited about those activities. I'm not sure how teachers manage to have that necessary kind of energy every day. I'm also not sure how people make acting a living but props to them. I learned that being an actress is very hard and tiring work, but nevertheless, I will be an actress again tomorrow and the day after that because that's what my students need which means it's part of my job.